Tag Archives: announcements

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS

A heavily entertaining comic strip to describe the events of my absence.

Hello.

This is the Hellbrarian. There has been a lack of updates being I have been at school. However, I will now return to my duties as your faithful reviewer of terrible books.

You are probably wondering “what’s school doing in the Library of Agony?” Well, there are many unanswerable questions in the world… and that’s not one of them. See, school in the LoA is a euphemism for what happens when I go up to the Literary Devil when I’m drunk and tell him everything that’s wrong with him. Imagine a 500 mph rollercoaster ride through molten lava. But the only thing I can ride on is a strip of uncooked bacon. And it lasts for roughly a month, while I have a helmet on that lets me breathe every two minutes and forces me to watch Lifetime TV while Danny Elfman music plays backwards.

Yeah, it’s that, but multiply how horrible it is by a factor of “sandwich.” I still have to wait a year for my left testicle to come back from the pickling plant.

Anyway, where are my assistants?

Jo: Oh, thank goodness you’re safe! I had to run this whole thing by myself.

Then why weren’t there any updates?

Jo: I said “run,” not “update.” Besides, I tried to update the blog, but wordpress doesn’t work like Livejournal, so I had a really tiny heart attack and threw up a rainbow.

No worries. Fangzor?

Fangzor: I don’t have an excuse because I don’t give a crap, as usual.

That’s okay, because you don’t work here, you just hang around and bitch.

Fangzor: Yeah I do. I went into your excel sheet and added myself as At-Large Officer of Snake Porn.

Sucks to be you, I can delete that.

Fangzor: Au contraire, ma capitaine! I password-protected the sheet, and the password is Walrusdicks12345, so you’ll never guess it!

You just told me the password.

Fangzor: Well, off to hate myself some more! Heigh ho, heigh ho, they only tell me no…

Anyway, here’s what the next review is going to be about. It’s a doozy. See you soon!

My friend from the surface told me that if a book has a sexy lady as the focus of the cover, it’s by default bad. Prove me wrong.

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What’s with the wait?

School. Just a few more days, and you’ll have a brand spankin’ new review.

(And yes, in the Library I take online classes. Most of them are about celebrity autobiographies. Help me…)