Read it and Freak – Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Another night shift at the Library of Agony, due to the fact that the Literary Hell time zone is subject to intense fluctuation. So, I’m doing this review from the library budoir.

See? Nighttime.

Jo: Translation: Mondays last as long as they frickin’ need to plus an additional 30 hours, the tides go in and out with every review, and for some reason I still am considered to have a 15-hour work week despite working for days on end.

Fangzor: And I have no idea when Sanford and Son is on anymore! That’s QUALITY entertainment.

Good for–

Fangzor: I mean, COME ON! Enough with this Kim Kardashian bullshit the tube keeps showin’. If I’m not allowed to bite her tongue off, then I shouldn’t be able to watch it!

I’m doing a review here, Fangzor.

Fangzor: Shut the hell up. Anyway, you know who we really need on TV? More Hitler. I mean, I hate the guy, but he’s actually funny when he’s freakin’ out in his speeches, wavin’ his arms around and shit. And he says a lot of stupid words. What the hell is a reichstag anyway? Some kinda sausage? That’s ACTUAL comedy.

Jo: Thanks for bringing up Hitler, Fangzor, now I have to go cry in a corner about the human capacity for evil for a “week.”

Fangzor: "ACH DU LIEBER POINTEN-MEIN-ARMEN VIENER SCHNITZEL TÜT-DIE FRÜT-DIE ACH RÜT-DIE GESUNDHEIT!" See, he's saying NOTHING and he makes more sense than this blog!

That’s called German. It’s a language, one that you are currently abusing like a harp seal. Would you like to be tied in a knot again?

Fangzor: I’ll be good.

Anyway, on to the book. A hideous thing called Eat Pray Love, which I’m sure you all know about.

But, seeing as I’ve got some paperwork to fill out for the heating bills (you’d think an occupant wouldn’t have to pay for Literary Hell to not freeze over), it’s time for another Read it and Bitch.

Fangzor: In case you forgot, it means this douchebag over here posts his reaction pictures as he skims through the book.

Jo: Okay, done crying. What book are we revivewing?

Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Jo: That’s in here? That’s my favorite book!

Well, it sucks.

Jo: Back to crying it is.

First World Problems: the Junior Novelization.

“I wish Giovanni would kiss me.”

“…given that I am a professional American woman in my mid-thirties, who has just come through a failed marriage and a devastating, interminable divorce, followed immediately by a passionate love affair that ended in sickening heartbreak.”

“‘Hello, God. How are you? I’m Liz. It’s nice to meet you.'”

“‘I’ve always been a big fan of your work…'”

“‘I am not an expert at praying, as you know. But can you please help me? I am in desperate need of help. I don’t know what to do. I need an answer. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do…'”

“Dear me, how I love a library.”

“He put me on a few different drugs– Xanax, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Busperin– until we found the combination that didn’t make me nauseated or turn my libido into a dim and distant memory.”

“After that experience, which was about ten years ago, Richard found himself praying all the time. His prayer was always the same.”

“I’m trying a different mantra, too. It’s one I’ve had luck with in the past. It’s simple, just two syllables.

Ham-sa.

In Sanskrit it means ‘I am That.'”

Jo: Calm down, H, Lit Satan says we can’t destroy any of the books!

Fangzor: And it didn’t actually call you a chicken. That’s my job. Fuckin’ chicken.

Whatev’s. Just… don’t buy this book, if you can help it. Other than the drippy spirituality, it’s pretty much a rich girl flaunting her problems. But I won’t go on about it for too long, since you likely know about it already.

Next up: something free from Amazon.com

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