Colters’ Wife by Maya Banks

Since I can’t leave the Library of Agony until I’ve read literally each book to the best of my ability, I often send Jo to get food. And you know what? She really came through this time.

“Damn straight.”

Best damn reuben sandwich ever. Sauerkraut, thousand-island dressing, swiss cheese, corned beef, rye, no questions asked. In fact I missed it when I ate the entire thing.

But you know what? I got to see it again – after I projectile vomited all over the computer while reading this processed piece-of-crap by-product.

“I have to clean it up, don’t I?”

You don’t have to, Jo. There are a multitude of options in any situation, among them: killing me, eating one of the books, cutting off all your hair and setting it on fire–

“If you quit with the philosophicals, I’ll clean up anything.”

Cool, I’ll throw in toilet duty as well.

“You hate women, don’t you?”

Sorry Jo, it’s a side effect of reading this book. It’s kind of like the Lifetime Movie Network equivalent of Dancer of Gor. You’d temporarily hate women too after reading it.

It's kind of like when you want to take DayQuil for your cold, but you take GetbackinthekitchenQuil instead.

“Is that so? I dare you to prove it.”

Good, because that’s kind of my job.

Behold, the story that turned a beautifully-crafted sandwich into a zombie foodstuff.

What page I survived until: Read the whole thing. There’s a few reasons why I got this on Amazon for free, and conciseness is one of them.

Boredom: 300 out of 500 video game breaks

Needless Description: Thankfully, 0 out of 500 meditative epiphanies on a petunia

Cruddy Metaphors: 230 out of 500 cats on the hot tin penis of my soul

Thematically, Just Plain Wrong: 450 out of 500 skinheads setting endangered rhinos on fire

The gist of it: The entrancing tale of a sexually active 8-or-9-months-pregnant woman and her trifecta of husbands. Essentially, the author’s sex fantasy.

I did not stutter in the “gist of it” section. This is not a polyamory situation – the hubands are straight, all three of ’em. It’s not so much a love triangle as it is a love fork.

“I like to stab children.”

Wait, what? You’re even sicker than the author.

“I mean, with ‘love forks.'”

…yeah, women can’t do comedy.

“I’m going to pretend I’m not offended.”

Hey, it’s the side effects!

“Oh, right, never mind.”

The whole beginning is pretty much poorly-written sex scenes – with a pregnant woman and her three husbands. Now, let’s forget the whole she-has-three-husbands thing for just a moment – that kid’s gonna miscarry if you go to a wang tasting party when your baby’s about to be born. The main character, Holly, has sex with two of her husbands, Ryan and Ethan, while the third husband is understandably holding back.

“So, is Holly a tragic heroine whose actions lead to her child’s demise? That would  be a very interesting story.”

It would! Let’s see how it ends…

"This picture would be forever locked in her memory. As frightened as she'd been, now that it was over, she couldn't imagine a better delivery. No sterile hospital environment. No strangers bringing her son into the world. Just the men she loved more than life. Just the way it should be."

Sorry Jo, everything turns out fine.

“I can feel the sexism building up in me already.”

Careful, it’s not you, it’s the–

“YOU GET YO BITCH ASS OVER HERE! DADDY’S GOTCHA SPECIAL PACIFIER BITCH!”

…I’m a man.

“Oh. Then that’s probably just my suppressed, innate hatred of this job coming out. No biggie.”

…right.

Anyway, if you look past the sappy ending and the horse ranching and the dangerous sex, there’s one thing that stands out in this book: there’s an evil ex-husband, who shot one of the Super Husband Bros.™ and is now in prison. A far more intriguing and dramatic story, to be sure.

But it adds nothing to this story. The author’s too busy having the Groom Triplex tell Holly how much they would die for her.

You know how John Norman wrote Dancer of Gor apparently as a sexual fantasy? The same is more than likely true here.

Look, it's the reverse bizarro-world version of Maya Banks's house!

So yeah. It’s free on Amazon if you have a kindle. Don’t let that fool you. Just run anytime you hear the word “Colter” and variations thereof.

“Even Ann Coulter?”

I thought that was evident.

Next Week: Another shitty romance.

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Comments

  • Sarah Elizabeth  On March 23, 2012 at 1:54 am

    Oh, lord. This is an atrocity. And I must read it right now.

    • hellbrarian  On March 23, 2012 at 1:57 am

      It’s also available on pdf! Still, be careful. When you see a terrible book for sale, you have to treat it like finding a gun in the middle of the street. Jo learned that the hard way.
      “Yeah. Keifer was a nice Chinchilla, until my copy of Twilight blew his head off…”

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